29 November, 2005

Aaargh... the Cave Trolls are coming to eat the blueberries... time to panic and complain

There is of course one thing to do: Panic. Once you are done, then you should follow the example of the Talibornagains and whine. Whine until you can't whine any more then whine some more. Then make a massive media campaign to get others to panic, then whine until every single man, woman and child is convinced that a massive horde of Cave Trolls is on the way to eat every single blueberry that graces this planet. Politicians will be outraged, other politicians will be outraged by the outrage and pretty soon everyone will have the image of blueberry eating Cave Trolls firmly ingrained in their minds.

Of course, this comes from the latest Talibornagain campaign, the "War on Christmas." Promoted by holy peddlers of politically correct hatemongering(we don't hate the Jews, we love them and can't wait for them to be obliterated by nuclear weapons in Israel so we can get raptured to that giant kegfest in the sky) such as Jerry Fallwell and media whores like Bill O'Reily. A new book, "the War on Christmas" by John Gibson(who should be praised for his hair, by the way, if everyone had helmet hair like that, head traumas could be eradicated) apparently explains how evil, terrorist-supporting, baby-eating, monsters are trying to destroy Christmas and make baby Jesus cry. Their most evil scheme is using the phrase "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." If you hear someone say "Happy Holidays," you should immediately blast them with your giant laser blaster of doom because it means that they hate you and want to turn your children into tasty sushi to be served in their organic smoke-filled opium dens with daily poetry readings. It does not mean that good Christian capitalists are smart enough to realise that they can make good money by marketing to people who celebrate other winter holidays. No, they're out to get you. Start to panic now. Then whine, and whine again after all you don't want to take the chance that the Cave Trolls actually will come and eat all the blueberries.

God, Sex and the Spending Clause

Ok, pretend for a minute that you are some sort of deity in charge of creating the world, be it a god, nature, whatever. You've figured out a way to make larger animals reproduce and the way they give birth is horrid and painful but it prevents overpopulation. But holy fuck... they'll never go for it... days to months of misery resulting in a horrid, helpless, little brat the animal has to take care of... nope, no deal. The smart deity thinks... "What if I make the little brat cute?" Nope, they'll just invent stuffed animals or Nintendogs...

The smart deity naturally thinks of.... the Spending Clause of the Constitution(Article I, section 8) which gives Congress the power to attach incentive conditions to spending programs. In the case of South Dakota v. Dole, 479 U.S. 1027 (1987) a minimum 21 drinking age condition was attached to 5% of a highway spending bill. The states and certainly many soon-to-be alcohol deprived 18-20 year olds were pissed but the Court upheld the condition saying that Congress may use the spending power to encourage behaviour. So why the Spending Clause?? Well the smart deity thinks and hey.... why not make sex fun.... not just fun... a whole lotta fun... even more fun than that cannabis plant the smart deity thought of earlier.

Sex, then, is basically nature's/god's/Giant Holy Tortoise's incentive program to reproduce. It even comes with a bypass option. Don't want kids? Masturbation and homosexuality are equal alternatives, so no argument can be made that this condition is coercive in any way. Of course, some argue that you should accept the conditions[offspring] without receiving the benefits[a good fuck] but that's like arguing that you should go into a store, pay the clerk money and leave with nothing(silly, right?). Whatever force created the universe be it nature, a deity or some really cool randomness, certainly was smart enough(not Intelligent Design smart, the kind of smart that actually has a brain smart) to make sex fun because it was the only way to encourage reproduction without(originally) having the problem of horrid overpopulation. So next time you have a great fuck, thank the Spending Clause for making it all possible, then complain about it for all the other horrid conditions made possible by Article I, section 8.