29 November, 2005

God, Sex and the Spending Clause

Ok, pretend for a minute that you are some sort of deity in charge of creating the world, be it a god, nature, whatever. You've figured out a way to make larger animals reproduce and the way they give birth is horrid and painful but it prevents overpopulation. But holy fuck... they'll never go for it... days to months of misery resulting in a horrid, helpless, little brat the animal has to take care of... nope, no deal. The smart deity thinks... "What if I make the little brat cute?" Nope, they'll just invent stuffed animals or Nintendogs...

The smart deity naturally thinks of.... the Spending Clause of the Constitution(Article I, section 8) which gives Congress the power to attach incentive conditions to spending programs. In the case of South Dakota v. Dole, 479 U.S. 1027 (1987) a minimum 21 drinking age condition was attached to 5% of a highway spending bill. The states and certainly many soon-to-be alcohol deprived 18-20 year olds were pissed but the Court upheld the condition saying that Congress may use the spending power to encourage behaviour. So why the Spending Clause?? Well the smart deity thinks and hey.... why not make sex fun.... not just fun... a whole lotta fun... even more fun than that cannabis plant the smart deity thought of earlier.

Sex, then, is basically nature's/god's/Giant Holy Tortoise's incentive program to reproduce. It even comes with a bypass option. Don't want kids? Masturbation and homosexuality are equal alternatives, so no argument can be made that this condition is coercive in any way. Of course, some argue that you should accept the conditions[offspring] without receiving the benefits[a good fuck] but that's like arguing that you should go into a store, pay the clerk money and leave with nothing(silly, right?). Whatever force created the universe be it nature, a deity or some really cool randomness, certainly was smart enough(not Intelligent Design smart, the kind of smart that actually has a brain smart) to make sex fun because it was the only way to encourage reproduction without(originally) having the problem of horrid overpopulation. So next time you have a great fuck, thank the Spending Clause for making it all possible, then complain about it for all the other horrid conditions made possible by Article I, section 8.


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